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[分享]Salon.com: New Book about Cheating
Posted: 2007-04-23 12:08
by Jun
Posted: 2007-04-23 14:27
by Knowing
I really can not careless...
but report back what you find interesting.
Posted: 2007-04-23 17:13
by simonsun
说起这个么，美国学者真当太没道德追求了
你看这位中国老先生，就非常强悍……
高来:未婚同居与卖淫嫖娼无异,应受法律制裁
目前，在一些青年中间，未婚同居的现象日益增多，并且从先前背负道德压力下的“偷偷摸摸”到了今天的光明正大、理所当然。曾有学者指出，我国的婚姻及家庭观念正面临冲击，以同居取代婚姻正成为大城市年轻人一种新的生活方式。一些人对未婚同居持相当开放的态度，并且理由充分:“一纸婚约有什么用，婚姻中的背叛层出不穷，道德的约束抵御不了人性的善变，对自己没信心，对对方也没信心，不如就像现在这样，合则在一起，不合则分，还省去了离婚时对彼此的伤害和无尽的麻烦。”
乍一看似乎很有道理，但是仔细一想这些理由其实是部分人为了满足其动物性需求而找的一个简单借口，其本质和卖淫嫖娼没有什么两样，应该比卖淫嫖娼受到更加严厉的法律制裁。
按照正常的情况，一对走向婚姻的男女都要经历这样几个步骤，恋爱、结婚、同居、发生性行为。而未婚同居却打乱了这个顺序，将发生性行为提到了结婚之前。
对于当事双方来讲，未婚同居至少有下面三个方面的弊端：
首先，在未婚同居的情况下，同居者会或多或少背负社会舆论压力，尤其是女性要背负比男性更多的社会压力。一般人们会指责同居的女方自甘堕落或者不洁身自爱。而一旦有一天同居的两人分道扬镳，女性所背负的心理负担和负疚感也会更为沉重。
其次，同居对女人的健康可能产生不利影响。当女人和男人同居时，往往会变得异常敏感和神经质，特别在前途未明的情况下，同居男人的一举一动都会牵动着女人脆弱的神经。女人因此会变得疑神疑鬼，变得更容易敏感和猜忌，这种感到无法控制自己命运的患得患失，是产生精神压力的一大原因。
再次，同居生活中所带来的一些负面影响，譬如女方意外受孕，发生争吵时男方动手殴打对方，因为同居的好处，而使男方迟迟不肯兑现走入婚姻的承诺，甚至滋生厌倦的情绪，最后受到伤害的依然是女性。
如果同居的男女双方最终走向了婚姻的殿堂还好，如果日后分开，那么得到的唯一东西就是同居期间对于性的满足，既然未婚同居只得到了性的满足，那么这和卖淫嫖娼相比又有何高明之处呢？何况有些男女未婚同居的目的就仅仅是为了满足性的需求。
对整个社会来讲，未婚同居破坏了一夫一妻制家庭建立的合法性基础和当事人的社会认同，实际上是对人类文明的婚姻家庭制度的挑战。未婚同居不是进步而是倒退，不是时髦而是腐朽。长此以往，封建社会三妻四妾的历史沉渣就会乘机泛起，社会上就会出现更多被弃而又无合法申诉权的女子，出现更多以玩弄女性为目的的“性瘾君子”，出现更多无双亲关爱的边缘青少年。
总之，未婚同居无论是对男女双方还是对整个社会都会产生极其负面的影响，鉴于此，笔者建议应该对未婚同居者进行处罚才对，处罚的力度绝不能低于卖淫嫖娼，只有在重罚之下才有可能从根本上消除其负面影响。
目前我国法律对“未婚同居”既没有具体的制裁措施，同居双方的行为也不受保护。因此笔者提醒那些准备未婚同居的青年，绝不能因为法律的宽容而去纵容自己的行为，你可以选择同居，但是你要明白一旦发生纠纷你的权益得不到法律的庇护，还是考虑慎重，切勿冲动。
(高来，甘肃某大学副教授，在民俗文化领域颇有建树。)
Posted: 2007-04-23 17:26
by karen
Cheating and being cheated on is a nitty gritty kind of thing. I wonder how much does one benefit from reading the socialogical aspects of cheating? Of course it can be a fun read, sort of like peeking into lives of others.
Posted: 2007-04-24 8:44
by Jun
对别人有没有用我不知道哈，但是对我自己来说还是挺说明问题的，满足我的很不好的习惯，说白了就是刨根问底。这个作者跑到世界各国抓人访问他们关于婚外情的行为和态度，发现一些共同和不同的地方，挺能说明人性的相似和文化的差别－－虽然不是科学地普查。例如，她发现不仅cheating是相当常见的行为（这个不是新鲜事）而且被cheated一方（＂受害的第二者＂）普遍地极度反对和反感被cheated，不论社会对婚外情的态度是严厉还是宽松。就算是在尺度相对宽松的社会里，被cheated的一方还是非常非常难受－－至于是就此彻底分手还是破镜重园，另外的因素会有影响，倒各地不同。这说明了什么问题呢？就是独立个体之利益和社会人群之利益的冲突矛盾。（绝大多数）每个人，如果有天时地利人和的条件，都会想cheat，扩大自己基因的强壮和传播（男女皆是）；同时每个人都想保护自己基因传播的exclusive rights，我砸下去的resource得肯定是用在我的基因上而不是鹊占鸠巢。就是说，最好我能随便挑，占便宜，而且垄断。当然这是极度自私的，但也是极度自然的天性。同时呢，因为我们不是纯个体主义的动物，而是社会动物，我们有＂已所不欲勿施于人＂和众人平等的概念，我们必须跟他人合作而不能什么都以自己为中心，绝大多数人明白必须妥协，在极度自私和极度合作的两极之间找到能接受和＂凑合＂的中间点。所以呢，想偷情的和痛恨偷情的倾向其实是共存在每个人的内心里，而不是mutually exclusive。明白了这一点，让我觉得好明朗，很多过去似乎矛盾的现象都得到了解释。
另外作者发现cheating在经济发达国家比在经济不发达国家少，不那么普遍，几乎可以肯定一个重要原因是前者社会中两性之间（经济和社会）力量的相对平衡引起的。当然文化有关系但是有趣的是在不同文化里，如果社会经济不发达，男人普遍地会cheat更多，那主要是因为男人有权（钱／地位）而女人没有，权多就是有更多可以实现自私倾向的空间。所以，是否男人cheat多是由于经济社会环境决定的还是生理条件决定的？原因不一定是后者。现在有那么多理论解释男性天生凉薄而女性天生忠贞，未必。
Posted: 2007-04-24 8:52
by karen
在这问题上我的意见正好跟你相反，我很反感把这么私人的事情社会化了。
Posted: 2007-04-24 9:03
by Knowing
想偷情的和痛恨偷情的倾向其实是共存在每个人的内心里，而不是mutually exclusive。
哈？这用的着跑世界各地调查研究么？我老坐在电脑前看看ONLYLADY 就得出同样的结论了。
Posted: 2007-04-24 9:10
by Jun
Well, that's because you are a lot smarter than I am. It takes a long time for me to figure this out.
Yeah I like to 社会化 things. Not that I advocate for making social rules and norms to regulate people's private behaviors and thoughts and tendencies. No no no. But indeed I love to find out certain seemingly idiosyncratic tendencies and behaviors are in fact universal. I'm very interested in "what makes us human" and "what's universally human".
Just in case someone misunderstands, my position is just like anyone else -- I am not for cheating at all. The best compromise is ... serial monogamy until you're fed up with it and settle down.
.
Posted: 2007-04-24 9:23
by karen
Oh god, we are so different on this issue!
I could care less if certain behaviors are "universal". Other people's experiences in this kind of matter don't interest me.
What is there to understand about cheating? It's just hormones. You smelled something you like and you went for it. Everything else, aka the consequences, well, you deal with them after the orgasms.
And furthermore, I am not for cheating nor against it. It's a fact of life. Only if people are willing the take the consequences along with their fun, there won't be so much social problems.
Posted: 2007-04-24 9:52
by Knowing
karen wrote:
Only if people are willing the take the consequences along with their fun, there won't be so much social problems.
Well, if only people are responsible and reasonable, there will be so much less social problems.
Problem is human are not. We are weak, greedy and selfish.
Posted: 2007-04-24 10:16
by karen
Yeah yeah, what else is new?
Posted: 2007-04-24 10:26
by karen
Actually both Locke and Rousseau would say we are good to start with, it is the society that corrupted us. So, if one can show that human beings by nature are not monagomous, then we are merely acting according to the laws of nature. In the state of nature, none of it would cause any problems. The problems, the justification, the tears and the fights, well, they are products of a corrupted civilization.
Posted: 2007-04-24 10:49
by Knowing
Jun wrote:Well, that's because you are a lot smarter than I am. It takes a long time for me to figure this out.
I am not smarter than you. but I did figured out long time ago when playing with other kids in kindergarten, I wanted what was mine remained mine, and what was yours became mine too. I also figured out that did not work well, because all kids felt the same way.
Posted: 2007-04-24 10:58
by Jun
Actually both Locke and Rousseau would say we are good to start with
Yeah, right. And we should just take their word for it.
Posted: 2007-04-24 11:26
by tiffany
说道这个，昨天跟良人汇报说好姐妹夸我瘦来着，良人嗤之以鼻说女人的话能信么？！我说只要我爱听就能。
Posted: 2007-04-24 12:15
by 豪情
Actually both Locke and Rousseau would say we are good to start with, it is the society that corrupted us. So, if one can show that human beings by nature are not monagomous, then we are merely acting according to the laws of nature. In the state of nature, none of it would cause any problems. The problems, the justification, the tears and the fights, well, they are products of a corrupted civilization.
They probably had no kids or never raised their own kids. I think people are born with all the natural weakness and virtues then learn the virtues and corruption by social standards. Having extramarital affairs is natural while lying to spouse or partner for his/her own advantages is civilization corruption.
In a man-dominated polygamous society, men having extramarital affairs is probably not cheating. They are just exercising their previleges. If the other party is married woman, then it becomes a crime of stealing others' belongings. So cheating is more a concept in a society where power is more balanced.