恶人谷

I'm having a European family feud

By Cary Tennis

Feb. 11, 2008 | Dear Cary,

For the last 19 years, my husband and I have lived in the eastern U.S., across the Atlantic from my family. My two older siblings and my parents live within several miles of each other in the same European capital. It's an arrangement that's worked quite well for me because I find my family a bit overpowering at times.

Recently, though, the distance has been causing problems. This last Christmas, we traveled over there, taking our 6-year-old son and 1-year-old daughter. It was the first time we'd crossed the Atlantic with the baby, and we found the combination of jet lag and baby-related sleep deprivation crushing. We were staying with my parents (they're the only ones with a spare room) and it's fair to say that we weren't always gracious guests, especially in the first week (we stayed for three). All things considered, though, I thought we did OK.

A couple of days before we came back to the States, though, my sister and brother sat me down for a talk. They'd decided it was no longer appropriate for me and my family to stay with our parents when we visit. Our father, who's now 81, is not in great health and they feel it's too much of a strain for him to have us in the house. My brother offered to help us find a sublet or house swap for our next visit, and I agreed.

Then the conversation turned to my husband. They had complaints about his behavior. He's aloof. He's not a family person. He doesn't ask them questions about themselves. My brother has been harping on this theme to me, on and off, for a few years. I've told him to go directly to my husband if he has a problem because I figure, why should I be the messenger? This time, he actually did go to my husband. And the result was horrible. My husband felt attacked, got defensive and basically told my brother to f--- off. This made my brother even angrier than before.

We left under a cloud, with everyone feeling crappy. Then things got worse. I wrote an e-mail to my sister saying I was upset about the sudden attack on my husband. In response, she wrote me a long letter eloquently describing what she saw as MY character flaws. She held no punches and was very cruel. To quote one example: "It seems that you insist upon holding on to every perceived slight against you in a self-destructive way that must be soul-destroying for you and is quite mystifying to us."

Can you see why I find these people overpowering? They're allowed to be upset, but I'm not. If I am, it plays into the stereotype they have of me as someone who's negative and "holds on to every perceived slight." You know how it is in families: People have their assigned roles. In my family, I'm the screwy, remote little kid who flew the coop.

To be honest, there's a grain of truth in some of their criticisms of me and my husband. My husband can be antisocial. I can be moody and tend to remember negative things. But then, my brother (who's extremely funny and charismatic) can be thoughtless and dogmatic, and my sister (who's smart and capable) can be hyper-sensitive and condescending. I'm stunned they think that attacking us is the way to improve family harmony. It seems especially odd that they've known my husband for 21 years and are now saying that his behavior is unacceptable.

My brother and sister insist that they love me and have said these things because they want to "clear the air." I took the moral high road and have refrained from lashing out at them in return. Instead, I wrote them a calm letter, admitting some of their points but saying I disagreed with their methods. I figured, why hurt them the way they'd hurt me? But now I think I was wrong, and that I should have "cleared the air" right back at them, because I'm still seething.

My parents are getting older, and I don't want to sully their last years with petty quarrels. But maybe this one isn't so petty. I feel as though my siblings have crossed a line in the sand. Right now I'm not talking to either of them. Cary, you always have thoughtful and "different" advice, and I feel as though this situation could use some creativity. What do you think? Should I swallow my hurt for the sake of family harmony? Or will it fester and make things worse in the long run?

Estranged European

once her sister is tactless enough to do that, it's all over as far as i'm concerned.