On longing for intimacy:
Yes, it is true that we don't get everything in life, and it is true that we all have to learn to live with and appreciate what we do get, not rely upon others to make the core of us happy, etc. But it really is very, very difficult.
I am now moving into old age. I was married for a very long time to, and eventually divorced from, a man who did not value that part of life, or was not able to. I was raised in a time when premarital intimacy was heavily censured, and I went along as did many women my age. I didn't get what I needed in my marriage, and it turned out there were few opportunities for an older, middle-aged woman after I divorced.
The longing has never left.
For all the excesses and misuses of sexuality in the modern world, I still think it is better than the severe restrictions on premarital sex and extramarital sex that some of us grew up with.
With a little experience, I might have chosen differently. If we married badly, and stayed married and followed the rules, then our chances for a different life were reduced.
I will mourn this loss forever. It is not assuaged by the successful career I have had, or the good society of friends I have, or the deeply meaningful community work I have done, or the more mature religious faith I finally developed. I may not talk about it, I may not complain about it, I may not even let on to anyone else, but this deep, unsatisfied yearning is with me all the time.
[分享] Carolyn Hax: On Premarital Sex
[分享] Carolyn Hax: On Premarital Sex
Actually this is an entry from a reader that she published in her column. I think every unmarried young woman should read it. In addition, although it is more difficult, many older divorced or single women can attain physical and emotional intimacy if they work toward it (and abandon the preconceived notion that older adults don't date and mate).
此喵已死，有事烧纸
uh? what's your point? People have needs. What's so shocking about this?
That's is crap, crap, crap. I have seen it a lot among my successful overachiever female friends. They want a man that's everything (even though they say they don't). And when it doesn't happen, they blame it on the age. The truth is, at any age woman can have a happy life with plenty of emotional and physical intimacy, if she puts her mind to it. But if she insists on finding the one man who is her soulmate, physically attracted to her and she is physically attracted to, great sex (because "being a good girl I can't enjoy sex with anyone who is not my soulmate and deeply in love with!") and socially a big plus when she takes him out to friends dinner parties -- good luck.it turned out there were few opportunities for an older, middle-aged woman after I divorced.
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Who I am or where I live has nothing to do with this. We are not discussing my life. From her description of her life: "successful career I have had, or the good society of friends I have, or the deeply meaningful community work I have done, or the more mature religious faith I finally developed", she lives a rich and satisfying life in every espect she has worked on. But since she ties intimacy first with marriage, then with relationship after divorce, her needs in that aspect never gets the attention she should have given, like dessert that comes after dinner. She did not realize she could have just dessert, only have dessert or have dessert first.
Same thing with kids. I have friends who whine a lot "I want kids but I don't want to do it alone". Well if you want kids badly enough, you should do it alone. Stop expecting it as a byproduct of a perfect marriage.
Nobody has it all. If you want to blame it on age, look or where you live, fine. But I can say this, among everyone I know well enough, nobody has it all. Everyone has to prioritize and go for what's more important, either at the moment or in the long run. Such is life. Realizing physical intimacy is important for her and what's missing most in her life, great. Work on it. She has time. She is still alive, isn't she?
Same thing with kids. I have friends who whine a lot "I want kids but I don't want to do it alone". Well if you want kids badly enough, you should do it alone. Stop expecting it as a byproduct of a perfect marriage.
Nobody has it all. If you want to blame it on age, look or where you live, fine. But I can say this, among everyone I know well enough, nobody has it all. Everyone has to prioritize and go for what's more important, either at the moment or in the long run. Such is life. Realizing physical intimacy is important for her and what's missing most in her life, great. Work on it. She has time. She is still alive, isn't she?
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orangetabby
- Posts: 310
- Joined: 2003-12-06 12:59
Reading this, I thought of a childhood friend. She was “纯洁” enough and the mini-social circle she's in was conservative enough, that she married a guy with ED. For over 10 years.
She did get a divorce in the end.
If I have a daughter, I will push her to at least "test drive" before committing.
She did get a divorce in the end.
If I have a daughter, I will push her to at least "test drive" before committing.
性格决定命运, 基因决定性格. 所以请放心大胆的怨天怨地怨爹娘.
婚姻也有个从失败中学习的过程呀，同样的事做好几遍不能一点提高也没有。才入江湖的小公鸡虽然朝气蓬勃，就使用舒适顺手程度来说比经过几任女朋友训练的青中年要差不少。
婚姻说到底还是人际关系么，既然和同事和上下级相处的技巧能提高，那么和丈夫/妻子相处也能提高。
婚姻说到底还是人际关系么，既然和同事和上下级相处的技巧能提高，那么和丈夫/妻子相处也能提高。
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