还有一部电影，也超级搞笑好看，五星级推荐：
Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels （两杆大烟枪）
【导演】 盖 瑞奇 (Guy Ritchie)
【编剧】 盖 瑞奇 (Guy Ritchie)
【国家/地区】 英国/
【类型】 罪案/惊栗/
【本站评分】 分数 8.31/10 票数 45
【译名情况】 两根枪管(中)/两只大烟枪(台)/够僵四小强(港)/够僵4小强(其他)
Plot Synopsis
Hailed as The Long Good Friday for the Trainspotting generation sets high expectations for this London based thriller, Eastenders Tom, Bacon and Soap all manage to find ?00,000 so that their hot-shot poker playing mate Eddy can enter porn king Hatchet Harry's high-stakes card game. But before you can say "pontoon", Eddy's down half a million in a game that was set-up and given one week to pay up, or else debt collector Vinnie Jones will be round to collect Eddy's fingers as interest. Desperate for some quick cash, the lads hit upon the idea of ripping off the thugs next door, who are themselves planning to turn over a bunch of toffs with a skunk farm in their flat and a stack of loot tying around. But needless to say, the path of the criminally incompetent doesn't run smooth and soon Eddy and the gang find themselves being hunted down by three gangs at once. Sting as Eddy's dad can cancel the debt by handing over his bar, lock, stock and barrel to his old adversary, Harry. First-time director Guy Ritchie has crafted a hilariously twisted, razor-sharp comedy gangster thriller that's littered with as many corpses as choice oneliners and colourful characters. Violent, stylish and occasionally uproariously funny.
Memorable Quotes from Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eddie : They're armed.
Soap : Armed, armed with what?
Eddie : Err, bad breath, colorful language, feather duster... what do you think they're gonna be armed with? Guns, you tit!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rory Breaker : If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain't the kinda pussy to drink it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tom : Look, it's all completely chicken soup.
Nick the Greek : It's what?
Tom : It's kosher. As Christmas.
Nick the Greek : The Jews don't celebrate Christmas, Tom.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tom : There's no money, there's no weed. It's all been replaced by a pile of corpses.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rory Breaker : If you hold back anything, I'll kill ya. If you bend the truth or I think your bending the truth, I'll kill ya. If you forget anything I'll kill ya. In fact, you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. Now do you understand everything I've said? Because if you don't, I'll kill ya.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Soap : A minute ago this was the safest job in the world. Now it's turning into a bad day in Bosnia.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gary : Shotguns? What, like guns that fire shot?
Barry the Baptist : Oh, you must be the brains of the operation. Yes, guns that fire shot.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Plank : Ah! They shot me!
Dog : Well, shoot em back!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John : Jesus, Plank, couldn't you have got smokeless cartridges? I can't see a bloody thi - Ah! I've been shot!
Dog : Look, will everyone stop gettin' shot?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Discussing their careers as marijuana growers]
J : I've a strong suspicion we should have been rocket scientists, or Nobel Peace Prize winners or something.
Charles : Peace Prize? Ooh. Be lucky to find your penis for a piss, the amount you keep smoking.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tom : It's not worth him giving us any trouble, 'cause he knows we'll be a pain in the arse, and who needs a pain in the arse?
Soap : I'd take a pain in the arse for half a million quid.
Tom : You'd take a pain in the arse for air miles.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[haggling with Tom]
Nick the Greek : What else does it come with?
Tom : It comes with a gold-plated Rolls Royce, as long as you pay for it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nick the Greek : Dunno. Seems expensive.
Tom : Seems? Well, this seems to be a complete waste of my time. That, my friend, is 900 nicker in any store you're lucky enough to find one in. And you're haggling over 200 pound? What school of finance did you come from Nick? "It's a deal, it's a steal, it's the Sale of the fucking Century!" In fact, fuck it Nick, I think I'll keep it!
Nick the Greek : Alright alright, keep your Alans on!
[Peels off notes from his wad]
Nick the Greek : Here's a ton.
Tom , Eddie : Jesus Christ!
Eddie : You could choke a dozen donkeys on that! And you're haggling over one hundred pound? What're you doing when you're not buying stereos Nick? Finance revolutions?
Nick the Greek : 100 pound is still 100 pound.
Tom : Not when the price is 200 pound it ain't! And certainly not when you've got Liberia's deficit in your skyrocket. Tighter than a duck's butt you are. Now, lemme feel the fibre of your fabric.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bacon : Right. Let's sort the buyers from the spyers, the needy from the greedy, and those who trust me from the ones who don't, because if you can't see value here today, you're not up here shopping. You're up here shoplifting. You see these goods? Never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite. Fanny by the gaslight. Take a bag, c'mon take a bag. I took a bag home last night. Cost me a lot more than ten pound, I can tell you. Anyone like jewelry? Look at that one there. Handmade in Italy, hand-stolen in Stepney. It's as long as my arm. I wish it was as long as something else. Don't think because these boxes are sealed up, they're empty. The only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker, and by the look of some of you lot today, I'd make more money with me measuring tape. Here, one price. Ten pound.
Eddie : Did you say ten pound?
Bacon : Are you deaf?
Eddie : That's a bargain. I'll take one.
Bacon : Squeeze in if you can. Left leg, right leg, your body will follow. They call it walking. You want one as well, darling? You do? That's it. They're waking up. Treat the wife. Treat your friend's wife. It's a lot more fun if you don't get caught. Hold on. You want one as well? Okay, darling, show me a bit of life then. It's no good standing out there like one o'clock half-struck. Buy them, you better buy them. These are not stolen, they just haven't been paid for, and we can't get them again. They've changed the bloody locks. Here. One for you. It's no good coming back later when I've sold out. "Too late, too late" will be the cry when the man with the bargains has passed you by. If you got no money on you now, you'll be crying tears as big as October cabbages.
Eddie : Bacon, cozzers!
Bacon : Shit.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Soap : Also, I think knives are a good idea. Big, fuck-off shiny ones. Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good, because they don't make any noise, and the less noise they make, the more likely we are to use them. Shit 'em right up. Makes it look like we're serious. Guns for show, knives for a pro.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Barry the Baptist : Fucking northern monkeys!
Lenny : I hate these fucking southern fairies!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hatchet" Harry : You must be Eddie, J.D.'s son.
Eddie : Yeah. You must be Harry. Sorry, didn't know your father.
"Hatchet" Harry : Never mind son, you just might meet him if you carry on like that.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rory Breaker : Your stupidity may be your one saving grace.
Nick the Greek : Uuugh?
Rory Breaker : Don't "uuugh" me greek boy!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samoan Joe : He then proceeds to order an Aristotle of the most ping-pong tiddly in the Nuclear sub.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Barry the Baptist : When you dance with the devil, you wait for the song to stop.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eddie : The entire British empire was built on cups of tea, and if you think I'm going to war without one, mate, you're mistaken.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gary : So who's the gov'? Who we doing this for?
Barry the Baptist : You're doing it for me, that's all you need to know. You know because you need to know.
Gary : I see. One of them "on a need to know basis" things is it. Like one of them James Bond films.
Barry the Baptist : Careful. Remember who's giving you this job.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tom : Listen to this one then; you open a company called the Arse Tickler's Faggot Fan Club. You take an advert in the back page of some gay mag, advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos, sell it a bit with, er... I dunno, "does what no other dildo can do until now", latest and greatest in sexual technology. Guaranteed results or money back, all that bollocks. These dills cost twenty-five each; a snip for all the pleasure they are going to give the recipients. They send a cheque to the company name, nothing offensive, er, Bobbie's Bits or something, for twenty-five. You put these in the bank for two weeks and let them clear. Now this is the clever bit. Then you send back the cheques for twenty-five pounds from the real company name, Arse Tickler's Faggot Fan Club, saying sorry, we couldn't get the supply from America, they have sold out. Now you see how many of the people cash those cheques; not a single soul, because who wants his bank manager to know he tickles arses when he is not paying in cheques!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Big Chris : I've got some bad news for you, John.
John : What the fuck?
[Chris closes tanning parlor on John]
Big Chris : Mind your language in front of the boy!
John : Jesus Christ!
[Chris does it again]
Big Chris : That includes blasphemy as well!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don : I'll fold.
Phil : Fold? Is that the only word you learnt at school?
Don : No, I also learned the word cunt!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bacon : What's that?
Samoan Joe's Barman: It's a cocktail. You asked for a cocktail.
Bacon : No. I asked for a refreshing drink! I didn't expect a fucking rainforest? I could fall in love with an orangutan in that! Bring me a pint.
Samoan Joe's Barman: You want a pint, you go to the pub.
Bacon : This is a pub!
Samoan Joes Barman: It's a Samoan pub.
[/b]
