冯志英第一次知道欧展文，是暑假返校那天，她去隔壁宿舍找老乡张家颖借蚊香用。一进门说明来意，眼角扫到家颖床上有人。她定睛看，原来是床头竖放着一幅书本大小的油画，一个年轻人的肖像。
张家颖把油画从上铺取下来，递给志英看：“欧展文，我男朋友。这是他送我的自画像。今天谁见了这画都小小震撼了一下。”志英仔细看画，背景是涂成暗色的，光线投射在左脸颧骨处。人物抿着嘴，表情严肃，目光炯炯地。
志英礼貌地说：“画得挺好的。他没有给你画肖像？” 家颖说：“说好了寒假的时候他给我画。他夏天的绘画计划排满了，我几乎每天去他家给他打下手。”志英做个鬼脸：“哎呀呀，小娘子红袖添香呢。”两人嘻笑了一阵。
后来，和家颖同宿舍的刘卓仪悄悄和志英抱怨：“我趟在床上，老被画上的人死盯着，真别扭。光线暗的时候还碜人呢。”卓仪也睡上铺，床位正好在家颖对面。“我换衣服要把蚊帐放下来，背对着它换。”志英逗她：“正好对着一墙的布赖毕德照片。”是影迷的卓仪抗议：“那怎么会一样啊。”
转眼一个月过去，市美术博物馆举办国际油画展。欧展文要来看画兼看望家颖的消息，被家颖传得女生们都知道了。对自画像的真身，大家多少有些好奇。
等欧展文来了，竟是个羞涩的年轻人。被介绍后，在女孩子们灼灼的目光注视下，几乎有些瑟缩。家颖安排他坐在桌边，他不但觉得手脚没地方放，而且眼睛也没地方放。紧窄的房间里，琳琅满目女孩子们的东西。他干脆眼光跟了家颖走，看她喜孜孜地倒茶拿零食给自己。过了一会儿，起身回旅馆。
他一走，女孩子们开始议论：“挺斯文的。”都注意到他的眼神，卓仪说：“那是王八看绿豆。”家颖没听懂，卓仪解释：“情意绵绵。”众人大笑，家颖脸红红的，笑得很甜蜜。
第二天上英语课的时候，卓仪把这些讲给志英听，志英问家颖怎么没来上课，卓仪告诉她家颖陪欧展文看画展去了。两人转移话题，猜今天是哪位老师来上作文课。原来，到了要考四段的前夕，学校不放心，怕学生考砸了影响总体成绩，特地安排额外的补课，由不同的公外老师分别在语法、听力、阅读、作文等方面给于强化训练，其实就是做模拟题。她们猜今天就是写篇作文练习交差。
一会儿进来了一位二十五、六岁的女教师，精致化妆的脸，长披肩发，穿花连衣裙，高跟鞋一步一响慢悠悠地走上讲台。学生们静悄悄地，她也不急，扫了台下几个来回才自我介绍，然后开始讲解作文的要素。
十分钟后，学生们也就疲了，开始走神、交头接耳、看闲书。老师顿了顿，说：“提高作文最好的方法是学习范文。我这里有我学生写的一些短文，今天用它们来做例子。” 她从备课夹里取出一张纸，开始念：
“A Man in the Mirror”
志英和卓仪困惑地互相看，这是什么题目？
“I broke up with my boyfriend two months ago, and I have been unhappy ever since.”
两人小声嘀咕：“全国统考，不会考这个吧？”议论这老师有点儿小资，却见她念至动情处，哽咽了，捧心幽叹。志英再忍不住，伏在课桌上无声地笑。坐在她右手边的刘旭彪递过一张纸条来，志英打开看：
My dearest Madame:
When I walk in the garden, my shadow as my companion, I think of you.
When I sit in the theatre alone, after a sad movie, I think of you.
志英又伏在桌上笑得上气不接下气。刘旭彪小声说：“一人写一句，往下传。课间的时候我给她放在讲台上。” 志英边笑边想，写道：
I have three words for you I cannot say
I think of you, everyday.
卓仪接过纸条，嘴角含笑地想下文。台上朗诵已经接近尾声：
“Why would I love a man in the mirror? Why would I love someone who can’t love me back?”
卓仪想好了，力透纸背地写下：
You are the largest diamond in the world,
that’s how I think of you today.
白天的事儿让她们增加了新词汇，备考四段改称“写情书”了。傍晚志英和卓仪约了一起去自修，正嘻嘻哈哈，见家颖和欧展文手拉手回来，家颖兴奋地讲画展见闻，志英也留下来听，边暗暗打量欧展文。卓仪提议：“欧展文，你给家颖画幅素描吧，我们都想看你作画。”家颖脸红起来，期盼地看欧展文，欧展文脸更红了，急得语无伦次，直说“不行” 。卓仪不答应：“什么不行啊？别推辞了。” 家颖已经找出素描本--她在偷偷学画--连笔一起递给欧展文，自己坐在离他几米远的一张凳子上，摆好姿势给他一个四分之三右侧脸的角度。欧展文没办法，叹口气开始画。
他好长时间没有动笔，只是看着家颖。目光象只锥子，家颖耳朵根都红了，直视前方。射进窗里的夕阳在她头顶上洒了金粉，志英觉得家颖真可爱极了。卓仪问要不要开灯，欧展文摇摇头。
卓仪便开始讲今天英文课上的笑话，家颖表情放松下来，问：“你们帮我拿一份范文了么？老师读了情书怎么说？”
“老师说，my students always love me.“几人絮絮议论老师，说她自我感觉不要太良好。
欧展文下笔，由外周轮廓到里面五官，很快画出人影。志英发现他刻意突出颧骨部份，正奇怪莫非是漫画风格，见欧展文在颧骨处画几笔，用左手拇指上去涂揉开，心里不禁嘀咕：”这是你女朋友，怎么不往漂亮里画？至少要和真人一样好看吧。“有点儿为家颖叫屈。也在观看的卓仪一定也觉得了，不再和家颖聊天，沉默下来。等画完了，家颖拿着看了一会儿，勉强说：” 我喜欢，展文谢谢你。“欧展文说：” 我想这里再添几笔。“家颖笑道：”好，我去买些宵夜，你慢慢画。“卓仪听了也嚷饿，跟着去了。
志英坐着没动，看欧展文画。欧展文有点儿不自在，抬头看她一眼。志英就冲他一笑，指了家颖床头上问：” 你的自画像，怎么没有画完？“
欧展文把画像拿在手里审视着，说：” 家颖返校要带走。“
” 你画了多久？“
” 两个月。“
志英没有概念，随嘴说：” 那么长时间。“
欧展文想了想，告诉她：” 我每天早上六点到画室，画一个小时左右。“
志英越发觉得不可思议，小小一幅画，会需要几十个小时的时间。欧展文没有解释，他画的时候，左前方摆一面镜子，右前方摆画架。他看着镜子里的自己，心里会问：这就是我吗？头发有些乱，左眉略微高挑，鼻翼到嘴角两条浅沟，太瘦了。眼睛有一点凹，是母亲那边遗传来的，薄薄的嘴唇抿着，象父亲的。前额若有若无几条横纹，平日里根本没有注意到。他才二十一岁，他想，一切已经在这里了。恍惚中人仿佛停在宇宙的一个点上静止不动，同时又似乎看到时间如一股轻微的气流从他和镜子之间缓缓流过。他的思绪终于会回到现实里，开始工作。观察二十分钟，画五分钟。那段时间，欧展文觉得自己衰老得特别快，需要不断修改画面以接近当天的自己，好象永远画不完。每天照镜前有无来由的恐惧，怕看到镜中人已经白了头发，脸上爬满一条条深刻的皱纹，蜿蜒流向凹瘪的嘴。他心里充满莫名的哀伤。
”为什么一定是早上的时间？“听到志英问他，欧展文答：”我要选光线比较暗的时间，每次光线的差别不能太大。“
志英笑了：”两个月里，太阳升起的时刻越来越晚，前后可以差出一个小时吧？“欧展文微笑：” 我每天晚开始一分钟，和太阳保持一致。“
志英把游戏进行下去：” 天气呢？晴天和雨天的光线大不一样。“
” 我住的地方天空常年是铅灰色，差别不大。“欧展文想，我哪里轻易被你难倒。
志英点点头：”我知道，我们是老乡。真看不出来，严谨得象科学家，自律得象士兵。“这句话触动了欧展文的心思，他低头想了想，说：”将来如果我能有幸作画为生的话，最好的评价，是’匠心独具‘，我能达到的最高境界就是一个匠。“
志英不想他难堪，说：” 可惜你忽视了一条，画出来的你，不是别人看到的你。左右颠倒了。“欧展文心里吃了一惊，故作轻松道：”我的脸很不对称么？“志英把画从欧展文手里拿过来，指给他看：”挺对称的。但是你左眉毛弓形更明显，现在成了右眉毛。右腮上一颗小痣，现在长在左腮上了。你不觉得奇怪？“
欧展文心里翻江倒海，除了他，谁也没这么仔细。家颖把画要走的时候说的是：” 展文你把自己画得有点阴森森的。“
” 那怎么办？“
”用两面镜子，容易。“志英在桌子上摆好两面化妆镜，让欧展文坐好：”一面镜子反射另一面镜子里的像，左右就调正了。“欧展文看看这面镜子，又看看那面镜子，没有出声。家颖她们买了东西进门，宿舍里又喧闹起来，志英起身走了。
欧展文回家后，真的在画室摆了两面镜子，他选用照全身的大镜子。画架放在正前面。他看着一面镜子想：” 这是我看到的我自己。“对着另一面镜子想：” 这是别人看到的我自己。“久久不能开始工作。镜子里的人影开始向他倾斜，他感受到来自两个方向的明显的压迫感。目光的移动让他眩晕，这不是着魔了么？他猛地站起身走到窗户前，狠狠揉揉双眼，向远处眺望了一会儿。心里犹豫要不要开始这个计划。
用镜子画自画像，画出的是镜像结构。这个他知道。上一次他把画面选成头像而不是半身或全身，其中一个考虑就是，后者无法避免画出来的人左手拿画笔。诺曼洛克维尔有一幅三重肖像的画中画就是演绎这个概念。
他本来不在乎画出来的五官象不象真人，触动他的是仅仅面对镜子里的自己已经产生的恐惧心理。可是被志英指出来以后，这却成了欧展文一件扰心的烦恼，推也推不掉。
门铃响的时候，志英以为是何伟杰照约好的来接她，没看猫眼就把门打开。站在门外的欧展文让她大吃一惊。欧展文说：”对不起我冒昧了，是家颖告诉我你的住址，想给你看我新画的画。请你指教。“他知道这个解释很蹩脚，但是一路上并没想出更好的开场白。地址是他从家颖的通讯录里找到的。
家颖寒假几乎每天来欧展文的家，疑惑地看他坐在两面镜子和一幅成型的自画像面前长久发呆。她想不明白，自画像不是已经有一幅了吗？画家一生有多幅自画像属常见，但中间多少隔些日子吧。一幅接一幅地画，是怎么了呢？一天天接近返校的日子，她知道欧展文画她肖像的计划是泡汤了，她虽然耐心等待，还是提醒了一句：“你答应过给我画肖像的。”欧展文说：“我必须先完成这幅。”家颖还是陪他，喝热茶暖身，胃里堵了一团东西，多少杯茶都化不掉。又无事可做，于是在房间角落里无聊地翻书，欧展文回头道：“请你翻书声音轻一点儿，哗啦哗啦的，我没法专心。”家颖站起来：“你不需要我帮忙，我先回家了。”在门外，她委屈地掉了眼泪。
欧展文想，他反正没法让家颖相信他只是单纯地让志英评价他的画，干脆没告诉她这次拜访；他能不能让自己相信这个说法，是另一回事。至于志英，应该不会把他拒之门外吧。
这时志英狐疑地打量他几下，做个手势请他进门。
志英走在前面进了客厅，把沙发上的靠枕摆齐整了，毯子叠起来，茶几上的瓜子皮扫在手心里扔掉。她一边招呼欧展文坐，一边有点难为情地为这个零乱劲儿道歉。刚才她一人在家，正打横在沙发上读小说呢。
欧展文先开口问：” 伯父伯母不在家？“志英说：” 他们出去串门儿了。“
难堪的沉默持续了几分钟。欧展文从背包里取出一个包裹，打开绒布，把画递给志英：”我又画了一幅，照你的建议，把左右调正了。“志英把画拿在手里看，过了半天礼貌地说：” 画得挺好的。你的技艺肯定又提高了。“
她觉得刚才的话假得太厉害，补了一句：” 和上次的画比，更容易还是更难？“
”更难。“欧展文很高兴她问了这个问题，接着把心情感受体会一样样告诉她。五分钟后志英已经悄悄走神儿，她想，欧展文不正是 a man in the mirror? 脸上不由自主浮起顽皮的笑。
欧展文充满希望地问：“怎么？” 志英说：“没什么，我就是觉得一个大男人，整天坐在一堆镜子中间，怪有意思的。” 欧展文讪讪地笑，说：“你要是愿意让我为你画肖像，我就不会这么可笑了。”
志英低头不语，她几乎要说：“家颖一定非常愿意让你画肖像。”但她不想把家颖扯进来，一定有更好的办法。欧展文等她回答，觉得房间里的空气都黏稠起来，人好象沉在水下，就是开口说话，也会变了声调，被气泡带跑了。他秉住气，生怕漏听了志英的回答。
志英起身拿起刚才在读的小说，把封面指给欧展文看，问他：“能画成这样的吗？” 啊，那是本言情小说，封面的少女有不可思议的大眼睛，小扣子般的鼻子和抿出娇悄表情的小嘴，衣裙飘逸，鬓边一朵扶桑花。欧展文看看志英，又看看封面，失望得说不出话来。
门铃又响，这次是何伟杰。志英给他俩互相介绍，说：“我男朋友。”
何伟杰和欧展文握了手，看到茶几上的画，表情好奇。志英告诉他是欧展文新完成的自画像，欧展文说：“画前受了志英的一些启发，现在特地来请教”。
何伟杰把画拿在手里左看右看、眯了眼看，然后放下说：“画得真好。您太谦虚了。”他对志英说：“小蓉，客人来了怎么没茶喝？我去做。” 转身进了厨房。
欧展文轻声道：“小蓉？我还以为你的小名是小英或者英子。” 志英说：“好多人都不知道。”心想，也有好多人知道。可是能这么叫她的，除了她父母，就是伟杰了。
何伟杰把茶壶茶杯端出来招呼客人。他身上绑了一条小号围裙，图案是一大朵一大朵的牡丹花。和志英说：“你和客人慢慢聊。我去做饭。” 又进了厨房，在里面整出些动静。
客厅里两人都不说话，欧展文忽然笑了，他想通了站起来说：“我该告辞了，下午还有事。” 志英站起来送：“那我就不耽搁你的时间了。” 何伟杰从厨房里出来：“怎么说走就走啊？有事情啊，噢，那你走好。”连拍带推把欧展文搡到门外，轻轻关好门。
在厨房里，志英问：“你做什么好吃的？”何伟杰一指腕表：”电影要开场了。我们泡方便面先垫垫肚子。“志英又好气又好笑：”烧壶水你还摆出大阵仗，系着我妈的围裙！“
” 好叫他知道谁是这家男主人。“
” 呸！这是我爸妈家，男主人是我爸！“
何伟杰一边解下围裙一边说：”那是那是，瞒不过你。我迷惑敌人么。“志英捅他一肘子：“小心眼。”
她又到客厅里拿着画看，心想刚才若不是伟杰来了，对欧展文还真有点穷于应付。这幅画确实是左右调正了，现在左眉弓形显著，右腮上一粒小痣，光线似乎更暗些，不知道是多一面镜子的缘故，还是反映了秋冬季节的阳光。其它的，和上一幅画基本一样。画得真是不错，就是人想法举止有点儿怪。
何伟杰见她对着画发呆，辩解道：“我怎么小心眼了？你的朋友从来都是我的朋友。可刚才那个，对你没安好心，我一眼就看出来了。”
志英抬头说：“他把画忘这里了，我得还给他。”
“我怎么觉得他是故意留在这儿的？”
“别管故意不故意，他们画一幅画儿要好几个月的时间，随便丢了总不好，得还给他。”
何伟杰把画包起来：“我去还，顺便表明我的严正立场。” 志英笑：“你别去给我丢人了。”
“那我就半路上把画私藏了。将来画家出了名，我们把它一卖，从此过上不劳而获的生活，多好？”
两人嘻嘻哈哈地继续说笑，吃面的时候讨论晚上去哪家新开的馆子吃饭，把刚才的人和事情早已抛在脑后。
[原创小说] 自画像
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helenClaire
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[原创小说] 自画像
Last edited by helenClaire on 2005-04-22 10:28, edited 5 times in total.
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helenClaire
- Posts: 3159
- Joined: 2003-11-22 20:12
你大概猜得差不离吧？笑嘻嘻 wrote:真逗。不过我很好奇helen为什么想起这么个题材了？
对性格差异感兴趣，又不想写成正面激烈的交锋。受你的<<戴珍珠的女孩>>读后感启发，看一个内向敏锐的人怎么被一个嘻嘻哈哈什么都不当真的人给搅了。我想，有什么比画自画像更能体现一个人是个navel-gazer?
Last edited by helenClaire on 2005-04-22 10:27, edited 1 time in total.
This piece is perhaps the most psychological and style-driven story among Helen's works so far. I have many thoughts.
First, I wish Helen had seen the Jefferey Harris' exhibit I saw in Christchurch, New Zealand. He did many many self-portraits. Psychologically revealing portraits. Intense and dense. You could be describing a Chinese Jefferey Harris in his early years.
I have always been in awe of Helen's stories, but not always sure what it is that draws me in. Now I know. It is her curiosity for people with minds unfamiliar to her. Her stories are a means to work out these psychological knots. She tries to understand them by writing stories about them. By doing this, she focuses on characters who are somewhat unusual and risky, thus naturally avoiding the trap of self-indulgence and self-repetition.
The process of writing a character is to put oneself into the character's shoes -- if I were he or she, how would I think or feel or act under so-and-so circumstance to result in a particular behavior observed by others from the outside. From this process, perhaps one can get a glimpse of WHY. Ultimately, it is a exploration in empathy.
In this story, Helen goes into a depth that perhaps she had not gone before in her exploration into the young artist's psyche. What excites me the most is her willingness to abandon worldly logic and be comfortable in merely describing a personality that may not be "logical" or understandable to the usual person. There is a fascinating intensity and mystery that she allows to sit and hold its own. I just love that.
One uneasiness I have is the "balance" of two perspectives. I myself always find it difficult to juggle two disinct perspective in continuous narration. The frequent shift does not allow the author or the reader to immerse in a particular character for a substantial length. I understand her intention to contrast the two personalities/psychologies, but the effect is not as intense and overwhelming as it could have been had she used a somewhat different approach in structural device.
One questionable character is Zhiying. In fact, she is the most ambiguous character in the story. I'd say she is closest to Helen the author, which may be why she felt compelled to put her into the center of the story without a clear aesthetic reason.
First, I wish Helen had seen the Jefferey Harris' exhibit I saw in Christchurch, New Zealand. He did many many self-portraits. Psychologically revealing portraits. Intense and dense. You could be describing a Chinese Jefferey Harris in his early years.
I have always been in awe of Helen's stories, but not always sure what it is that draws me in. Now I know. It is her curiosity for people with minds unfamiliar to her. Her stories are a means to work out these psychological knots. She tries to understand them by writing stories about them. By doing this, she focuses on characters who are somewhat unusual and risky, thus naturally avoiding the trap of self-indulgence and self-repetition.
The process of writing a character is to put oneself into the character's shoes -- if I were he or she, how would I think or feel or act under so-and-so circumstance to result in a particular behavior observed by others from the outside. From this process, perhaps one can get a glimpse of WHY. Ultimately, it is a exploration in empathy.
In this story, Helen goes into a depth that perhaps she had not gone before in her exploration into the young artist's psyche. What excites me the most is her willingness to abandon worldly logic and be comfortable in merely describing a personality that may not be "logical" or understandable to the usual person. There is a fascinating intensity and mystery that she allows to sit and hold its own. I just love that.
One uneasiness I have is the "balance" of two perspectives. I myself always find it difficult to juggle two disinct perspective in continuous narration. The frequent shift does not allow the author or the reader to immerse in a particular character for a substantial length. I understand her intention to contrast the two personalities/psychologies, but the effect is not as intense and overwhelming as it could have been had she used a somewhat different approach in structural device.
One questionable character is Zhiying. In fact, she is the most ambiguous character in the story. I'd say she is closest to Helen the author, which may be why she felt compelled to put her into the center of the story without a clear aesthetic reason.
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helenClaire
- Posts: 3159
- Joined: 2003-11-22 20:12
jun,Jun wrote:One uneasiness I have is the "balance" of two perspectives. I myself always find it difficult to juggle two disinct perspective in continuous narration. The frequent shift does not allow the author or the reader to immerse in a particular character for a substantial length. I understand her intention to contrast the two personalities/psychologies, but the effect is not as intense and overwhelming as it could have been had she used a somewhat different approach in structural device.
One questionable character is Zhiying. In fact, she is the most ambiguous character in the story. I'd say she is closest to Helen the author, which may be why she felt compelled to put her into the center of the story without a clear aesthetic reason.
you can see through me just like that.True, the painter is the center of my interest, but I don't have enough understanding of him to put him into the center of the story. Coming face-to-face with oneself requires mental strength, when I tried it, I encountered only resistance, there is something that simply refuses to reveal itself. Since I know literally nothing about art, a non-artist's point of view is the only thing left that I could offer.
Painter's devoted girlfriend and heroine's jealous boyfriend are familiar characters. They took advantages of my above weakness and worked themselves into distraction. If I hadn't forced myself to stop, they would just jump around and take over the scene.
Although I only use other people's sufferings as my inspiration,
time and through I realized that all the limitations are unmistakenly mine. Frustrated? yes, but at the same time, I'm thrilled in the weirdest way. 
Helen, I am as exhilerated as you are. Like I wrote above, I believe that you write because you are curious about people who are unlike youself and sort of put on their hat to imagine what it's like to be them. Am I right? This is the my favorite kind of literature -- getting into other people's head. As short and preliminary as this story is, it is my own favorite of yours. You've moved beyond Jane Austen and into something else entirely.
此喵已死，有事烧纸