[分享]from NYT 男女战争之家务劳动

[tiffany]

挺长的，文章。我的读后感是文化的沟深啊又不深。

You Want It Clean? You Clean It!

By LISA BELKIN
Published: April 9, 2006

KENDRA LEE would not go so far as to call herself a neat freak, though her husband does consider her a nut. Let's just say she can't leave on vacation until her countertops are polished and her carpets are vacuumed. "The thought of coming back to an unkempt house would ruin my entire trip," said Ms. Lee, an event planner from Hill City, S.D. For this she blames her mother, who planted her seeds of neatness early, actually using a white glove to look for dust in little Kendra's bedroom.

Diane Dobry, on the other hand, would not go so far as to use the word slob, but she notes that her marriage broke up in part because she and her spouse had different views of cleanliness, and she does use capital letters when she sends an e-mail message to say "I HATE housework, and do everything to avoid it." Ms. Dobry, currently working toward her Ph.D. at Teachers College at Columbia University, also blames her mother, a woman so meticulous that she once got out of bed while recuperating from surgery to clean the guest bathroom. "If my mother had lower standards, and let me do things myself, I might have learned how," the daughter said. "But I never learned how to do anything because she always did it for me."

Forty years after feminism promised to free women from drudgery, we are still talking about housework, and we are still talking as if it were all about women. Some, like Ms. Dobry, are rebelling against it. Others, like Ms. Lee, are embracing it. Authors, like New Yorker writer Caitlin Flanagan, are writing books about it (hers, out this month, is "To Hell with All That: Loving and Loathing our Inner Housewife").

Academics like those at the University of Maryland and the University of Virginia are studying it. (The first found that women have squeezed working hours out of their day by reducing the amount they sleep and the amount of housework they do, while the second found that working women were happiest in marriages in which husbands earned more, even if wives did more housework.)

In short, the question of cleaning remains unsolved despite four decades of increasing equality, the growth of labor-saving devices, the emergence of the most educated generation of women in history, while more men embrace their feminine side than ever before. That this is still such a hot-button topic for women indicates it is about more than who will scrub the toilet.

What it's about is ambivalence, which is summed up in Ms. Flanagan's book title. "I am as drawn to domesticity as I am drawn to anything," she said in an interview, admitting an addiction to shows like "Martha" as though she were admitting to a taste for pornography. "And yet I am as suspicious of it as I am drawn to it. It seems like a trap. A trap of all my worldly talents."

Two things are clear. First, women still do more housework then men. Married women spend twice as much time on housework than their husbands, and single women spend twice as much time on housework as single men. Second, much time that could be spent cleaning is spent fighting about it.

Neil Chethik polled 300 husbands across the age spectrum for his book "VoiceMale: What Husbands Really Think About Their Marriages, Their Wives, Sex, Housework and Commitment" (Simon and Schuster, 2006). "Housework showed up right after money as the top issue of discord," he said. "It was higher on the list than sex, higher than raising the children, ahead of every other issue you can name."

Mr. Chethik once switched lists of chores with his wife, leading both of them to discover that they preferred their original gender-based roles, although he did discover he had a knack for laundry. Ms. Flanagan said she would feel diminished if her husband took over her role and, say, cooked Thanksgiving dinner. Both writers agree that women bring more emotional baggage to this subject. Women do not just see a cluttered living room. They see a failure to live up to their mothers' standards, a rebellion against those standards or judgment from neighbors whose standards might be higher.

"Women are very attuned to the unseen audience," Ms. Flanagan said in an interview. "A man can sit in, watching television with newspapers scattered everywhere and food all over, and they just don't care. They can do it later. We women have the sense that someone's watching us. We need those newspapers picked up because what would people think?"

Mr. Chethik thinks men are simply wired not to notice an audience, seen or unseen. "Of the men I interviewed, it wasn't so much that they didn't want to do the housework as that they didn't notice that the house was dirty," he said. "They didn't see it or smell it. It just doesn't register the same way."

To give credit where it is due, men have changed over the decades. They certainly do more housework than their fathers.

I like a clean house as much as anyone," said David Bowers, author of "Dad's Own Housekeeping Book," to be released by Workman Publishing on Father's Day. Though he knew nothing about domestic arts before his daughter was born three years ago, he learned fast after becoming a stay-at-home father and now brags that he can get his house to a "mother-in-law approved" level of clean.

Much of women's ambivalence comes from the fact that women are changing rather than the idea that men are. Women are not what their mothers were, nor are they ready to abandon what their mothers represented. Ms. Flanagan, for instance, writes, "I am not a housewife, I am an 'at home mother,' and the difference between the two is vast."

A "housewife," she writes, defined herself "primarily through her relationship to her house and her husband," while "an at-home mother feels little obligation to the house itself." Her goal, she writes, actually "is to find a way to combine traditional women's work of child rearing with the kind of shared housework arrangements and domestic liberation that working mothers enjoy."

With due respect to Ms. Flanagan, however, working mothers are not exactly luxuriating in their liberation. At least one study has shown that employed mothers slept 3.6 fewer hours a week than those who were not employed. Whatever the burden of time and guilt felt by a mother who is home is compounded for a woman who is not. That has not changed since 1989, when Arlie Hochshield wrote "The Second Shift," about how women leave the office only to come home to a whole other job, one they either can't or are not permitted to let go.

This by no means implies that things have not changed since the book was published. Across the country, couples are inventing some creative ways to share housework that, at first blush, look nothing like the 1950's or the 1980's.

Neil Gussman, a chemical engineer who lives in Lancaster, Pa., and his wife, Annalisa Crannell, an associate professor of mathematics at Franklin & Marshall College, split their housework according to what can be done when it is dark outside and what can only be done when it is light. This leads to a reversal of traditional gender roles, with Mr. Gussman responsible for the bathrooms, the kitchen (particularly the floor) and some vacuuming.

Like Mr. Chethik, Mr. Gussman has discovered that he enjoys doing the laundry; folding the wash gives him an excuse to watch Nascar racing and cop shows, he said. Ms. Crannell, meanwhile, does all the yard work: raking, mowing, weeding and fence building.

Kirk Thompson and her husband, Matt, divide the chores with a seemingly modern twist. When they were married four years ago and setting up a household in Dallas, the couple quickly learned that they were one of Mr. Chethik's statistics. "Housework was the No. 1 item we consistently fought about," Ms. Thompson said. "Matt is a neat freak. It was the reverse in my house. The woman didn't mind a little clutter, and the man had to have everything picked up immediately."

So they split the chores. Her responsibilities are the kitchen, bedroom, laundry and shopping. His are the living room, bathroom, vacuuming and all the yard work. "Matt can eat and throw his dirty dishes in the sink and leave them, or leave pots and pans out it he cooks," she said. "I clean them up and cannot complain. I've come home from work and the sink is full of dirty dishes and stinky food, and I just bite my tongue and clean them up. Conversely, I can throw my shoes in the middle of the floor, take off clothes and leave them around and let dog hair pile up in the corners of the rooms. Matt cleans it up, no complaints, but on his schedule."

The couple are expecting a baby this summer, and "this whole balance of chores could come crashing down," Ms. Thompson said. "But maybe he hates to empty the Diaper Genie, but I'll hate going to the store"

A common thread through so many of these stories, though, is that of men doing what they want (Mr. Thompson wanting the house clean and simultaneously wanting to leave his dishes in the sink; Mr. Gussman wanting to do chores in the dark because during the day he is a competitive cyclist) and women doing what is left, a thread that still makes this conversation all about women.

What men want to do, they say, is most often a domestic version of something macho. Mr. Chethik enjoys the laundry, he said, not only because he gets to watch television while he folds, but because "it's basically working with heavy machinery: picking up big loads of stuff, moving them from one place to another, setting buzzers and timers and then hitting the on button."

That's why Michael Peck loves to vacuum. For the first few months of their marriage, his wife, Lori, did almost all the cleaning of their apartment in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. ("He cooked while we were dating," Ms. Peck said. "He lured me in.") Back then, though, they had no dog and their vacuum was an ancient Hoover inherited from Ms. Peck's grandmother.

A year and a half ago they adopted a Jack Russell terrier, because they had been told the breed does not shed, and soon their apartment was covered with dog hair. Mr. Peck, a graphic designer, spent $400 on a bright yellow Dyson vacuum, and now a joy of his day is using it to suck their 700-square-foot apartment clean. "I'm not allowed to touch it," said Ms. Peck, who also works in advertising. "If I do, he comes home and looks so disappointed."

And does Mr. Peck vacuum properly? "However he does it, that's fine with me," she said.

That attitude ― and the difficulty many women seem to have with it ― is central to any conversation about housework. Yes, it is true that society still assumes this to be women's work. And yes, it is true that many men do all they can to avoid their share. But it is also true that many women are guilty of what sociologists call "gate keeping": building a fence around a territory, be it vacuuming or child care or grocery shopping, and defending it as theirs. They set the standards in that realm, and they set them high. Sometimes unrealistically so.

"From a man's point of view," Mr. Chethik said, "men feel like they're often being accused of not caring, but then, if they try to do something, they are told they aren't doing it right. They can't win. Their wives say: 'Clean this up. I want this clean.' But then they're scolded because they don't clean it right. There's no right or wrong. Men shouldn't have to meet your specified standards for housework."

In other words, men wish women would change just a little bit more and accept that, though their mothers cleaned and stored the dishes after dinner every night, it is not wrong to let the dishes air dry next to the sink overnight.

At the same time, Mr. Chethik said, men should remember that a little extra effort is in their own best interests. "When wives are happy with the division of housework, almost everything else is better," he said. "There's more sex, better sex, less arguing, less chance of going to therapy, less chance of divorce."

In that way, he said, "all the talk about housework isn't just about women, it's also about men."

[Knowing]

I am so glad I live in NYC and illegal immigrants makes it possible for me to hate housework and to love clean apartment at the same time
Who am I kidding ... my maid has a green card, it is me who doesn't!

[tiffany]

我对干净的要求不高，要是某人有追求的话，我一般让伊追求。当然他老人家也抱怨说人家的老婆把家里收拾的干干净净亮闪闪的，我乃反驳说人家的老婆还８上班呢。某人继续说人家的老婆上班，我乃反驳说人家的老婆还不是科学家呢。一般他就找地儿吐去了，我９赢了。
安慰小k，卡会有的，什么都会有的。

[Knowing]

如果有爱干净而不爱抱怨对方乱扔东西，只是默默的跟在后面收拾的人作roommate就好了！幻想的说。

[tiffany]

哈，意志与优雅之意志！

[karen]

我就搞不清楚， 衣服脱了怎么回扔地上呢？ 他们小时候妈妈没有教育他们换下的衣服放椅子上，脏了的衣服扔洗衣桶里？ 也许这是家里有地毯的结果。 住木板/瓷砖地张到的孩子就不会这样。

[森林的火焰]

我发现我就是那个抱怨对方不做，对方做了又嫌做得不好的人。 当然小爱也过分了一点：头两个月他洗碗都不知道要放detergent。。。我现在在努力把海量放宽，只要做了，就不在乎做成什么样，最多找借口让再做一次好了。
我很幸运地有个和我一样干净或slobby的室友，有空的时候我们可以一起把屋子擦得铮亮，没空的时候我们就让脏盘碗堆满水池。然后有空的那个洗。我们一起快乐地生活了两年，舍不得分开。因为我们都是学生物的，所以slobby的时候居多。我有空的时候她有红烧肉吃；她有空的时候我有香蕉面包吃。我深深感触道，如果不是对性别太挑剔，其实女人和女人更容易维持稳定亲密的关系。

[Elysees]

如果有爱干净而不爱抱怨对方乱扔东西，只是默默的跟在后面收拾的人作roommate就好了！幻想的说。

嗯，找Monica去吧，她可是越收拾越爽~而且也在纽约住着呢


.............我完了，我真的是电视蔬菜...........真鄙视自己

[helenClaire]

想起几个月前见识了位糊涂的甩手掌柜。
这家女主人又泼辣又能干，开PARTY动不动招待二、三十个客人。等人到得差不多了，她把ANTI-SOCIAL的丈夫从不知道哪个角落里揪出来，吩咐他准备餐巾纸。男主人从橱柜里拿出一包八卷装的厕纸，餐桌上放一卷，厨房里放一卷，咖啡桌上放一卷。。。 女主人一定是呐闷怎么客人们突然安静下来了，才发现。气得叉了腰冲他吼：“我问你，你是这家的人吗？”男主人困惑的表情很真实，完全不知道自己做错了什么。
客人们赶快自己动手把餐巾纸找到摆好。女主人继续揭老底：他们家从印第安纳搬来有三年了，几乎每星期去拆拿堂买菜，他丈夫至今没有研究出回家的路线。每次都不可避免地开上了BEN BRIDGE，进入新泽西的地界后找个红绿灯转回桥上，交三块钱过桥费，才能安全回家。 马上有好几个客人比划着给他讲怎么往回开。笑死。

[洛洛]

NJ的桥确实很讨厌，有次我们去纽约州，中间95号高速下错了，出口一下去就是一座桥，还是收费的！晚上十点多还过趟河兜了个大圈子。
还有我每星期回家的那座桥的收费员也很讨厌，她大概是认得我了（我走这条桥快两年呢），然后说我：Why don't you never smile？――拜托，单程十二块钱的过桥费，我还要笑给她看？其实我和她就是收钱那五秒钟对个脸儿而已。后来我走另一条lane，然后那条lane的收费员又跟我说：xx说你从来不smile。这些人真是好闲（而且工作还很稳定，几年都不换一换）。

[Knowing]

我觉得是挺难调和的--不爱收拾的人要求也低，其实不能说他们错。爱收拾的要求高，也没什么错。可是俩人在一起，就看谁狠的过谁，一般都是劳心的那个先崩溃。

[豪情]

我是不爱收拾的那个. 某人就已经给我够多抱怨的了. 等他妈妈一到, 简直觉得我们家里乱的不得了. 我非常强硬地坚持我自己的家自己做主, 她可以收拾她自己的房间. 幸好孩子三天后就出生, 大家忙的没工夫想整齐问题. 现在上班又要哺乳, 家务活就更不用做, 还有某人呢. 做不过来就请人来做, 出去吃饭, 生活质量最重要.
在这边家务活还是少多了, 国内每天拖一次地, 搽一次灰, 洗一遍衣服和碗, 父母子女一起干都忙不过来. 多了的院子和车的活, 一般是期待男人做的不是?
认真考虑过在家带一两年孩子的问题, 想起来很美好, 可以陪伴孩子最好的时间. 而且, 据师太说, 工作会叫你妈妈么? 休了三个月产假就完全忘了这想法了. 先不说事业和经济损失, 忙的不得了还没有APPRECIATION. 上班还是轻松些. 而且老对着孩子, 很容易被强烈的情绪窒息, 未见得对双方是好事. 24小时有个小东西叫你妈妈也未见得那么幸福, 除了妈妈你还可以是别的什么吧. 做家庭主妇还一样要MEASURE UP, 家里不干净, 饭做的不好, 孩子没考上好学校都有责任, 而家庭是否成功又不由自己决定, 收入和社会地位靠丈夫, 孩子成功也靠他们自己努力.

[森林的火焰]

其实我的要求不高，真的不高。。。我只要求不要在床上吃掉渣的东西，实在吃了，把床单扫一扫；不要把穿了鞋的脚放在床单上，不要随便抓一支笔来搅和咖啡，舀菜的时候把碗推近一点别洒一桌子汤，实在洒了饭后擦一擦。。。然后我听上去就象一个歇斯底里的主妇。
当然，这些都在努力改进中，小爱的态度也很好很配合，没有逆反。但是，我觉得这真的是跟把一头狼驯化成一只狗的艰难过程啊。

[silkworm]

我跑一下题哈。
我到美国以后，看到老美有几样卫生习惯我实在接受不了：
1。进门不换鞋，鞋上多脏呀，就在屋里到处踩。当然了，让客人进门就换鞋是有点过分，可是……
2。穿鞋把脚隔沙发、茶几上，或者象电影里那样直接跳上床蹦

[Knowing]

我早就说过，作家庭主妇特别不上算。而且还加一条，我们这些人，在新中国长大的，家里妈妈一般都工作，物质生活也不宽裕，生活习惯不精致，没受过麻纱丝肚兜儿类型的训练，要作个优秀的家庭主妇，我想想都打哆嗦。当然可能优秀的家庭主妇想到写程序也打哆嗦。反正，我想到要天天把浴缸擦的雪白，床单平整，地板打蜡发亮，灶台没有一点油渍，桌上一尘不染，就觉得准会崩溃。

[洛洛]

反正，我想到要天天把浴缸擦的雪白，床单平整，地板打蜡发亮，灶台没有一点油渍，桌上一尘不染，就觉得准会崩溃。

我很小声的说，只要洗过澡才躺床上，床单是一个星期一换，还是一个月一换，我自己根本感觉不出差别。

[Burpie]

我正在给老板看家，宁可吃cereal都不愿意去碰他们那个一尘不染的厨房，压力太大乐。

[wuliaotou]

床单--一般我是看洗衣机容量实在是太空了就拿床单来凑数。

[pomo]

在这边家务活还是少多了, 国内每天拖一次地, 搽一次灰, 洗一遍衣服和碗, 父母子女一起干都忙不过来. 多了的院子和车的活, 一般是期待男人做的不是?
认真考虑过在家带一两年孩子的问题, 想起来很美好, 可以陪伴孩子最好的时间. 而且, 据师太说, 工作会叫你妈妈么? 休了三个月产假就完全忘了这想法了. 先不说事业和经济损失, 忙的不得了还没有APPRECIATION. 上班还是轻松些. 而且老对着孩子, 很容易被强烈的情绪窒息, 未见得对双方是好事. 24小时有个小东西叫你妈妈也未见得那么幸福, 除了妈妈你还可以是别的什么吧. 做家庭主妇还一样要MEASURE UP, 家里不干净, 饭做的不好, 孩子没考上好学校都有责任, 而家庭是否成功又不由自己决定, 收入和社会地位靠丈夫, 孩子成功也靠他们自己努力.

HEAR HEAR，我的心声被人掷地有声地说出来了。如今有人说，你就管好儿子吧，他就是你的将来。我真的会翻脸：他有他的将来，我有我的。凭什么把我的将来栽到他身上？对大家都不公平不是。
这年头拎不清的人真多。

[pomo]

反正，我想到要天天把浴缸擦的雪白，床单平整，地板打蜡发亮，灶台没有一点油渍，桌上一尘不染，就觉得准会崩溃。

我很小声的说，只要洗过澡才躺床上，床单是一个星期一换，还是一个月一换，我自己根本感觉不出差别。

我怎么有点床单偏执？我每天也是洗过澡才躺上，但是假如到了一周我没有换床单，我就睡不着……

[ruby]

认真考虑过在家带一两年孩子的问题, 想起来很美好, 可以陪伴孩子最好的时间. 而且, 据师太说, 工作会叫你妈妈么? 休了三个月产假就完全忘了这想法了. 先不说事业和经济损失, 忙的不得了还没有APPRECIATION. 上班还是轻松些. 而且老对着孩子, 很容易被强烈的情绪窒息, 未见得对双方是好事. 24小时有个小东西叫你妈妈也未见得那么幸福, 除了妈妈你还可以是别的什么吧. 做家庭主妇还一样要MEASURE UP, 家里不干净, 饭做的不好, 孩子没考上好学校都有责任, 而家庭是否成功又不由自己决定, 收入和社会地位靠丈夫, 孩子成功也靠他们自己努力.

我大力大力鼓掌表示赞同。生顺顺前我常念叨当家庭主妇，我自己是有口无心，领导也不当回事。我可爱的老娘（跟蚕学的）听几次就语重心长劝我来着，伊是能干的职业女性，勤劳顾家，可她劝说的重点是家庭主妇是分牛工，做到好应该，很少人会感激，做不好就是麻烦了（她可是不看师太的）。月子期间我就明白，虽然能全职陪孩子想起来很美好，可是我不得不承认自己做不到。不仅累，心理压力也大。可靠的daycare真是我们最好的帮手，每天至享受是接儿子的那一刻，他满脸笑容跌跌撞撞跑到我怀里来。 可惜的是我送得多接得少。

[洛洛]

反正，我想到要天天把浴缸擦的雪白，床单平整，地板打蜡发亮，灶台没有一点油渍，桌上一尘不染，就觉得准会崩溃。

我很小声的说，只要洗过澡才躺床上，床单是一个星期一换，还是一个月一换，我自己根本感觉不出差别。

我怎么有点床单偏执？我每天也是洗过澡才躺上，但是假如到了一周我没有换床单，我就睡不着……

有土豆牛肉煲吃的你，是不会理解大雪天抱着沉重的洗衣篮走去洗衣房的痛苦的... （虽然只有5分钟路程）而且洗衣机数量有限，一下子占好几个是会被人白眼的...
我们公寓附带洗衣机的每月要多加40美元房租。

[豪情]

是啊是啊, 纯体力劳动, 技能还不UNIQUE. 动不动就是每个女人都会生孩子/喂奶/做饭/.
在家的时间真艰难啊, 每天就数着点熬时间, 太阳落山就松口气, 一天总算又熬过去了. 也不想想一天的生命就消耗掉了. 一心一意都在孩子身上, 从来没有爱一个人爱得这么多, 幸福感伤内疚所有的情绪都到了极致, 大喜大悲中老的特别快, 孩子也变成一个JJWW的娇包包. 回想起来不是不病态的, 可以推到荷尔蒙上, 或者直接推到基因上.
回来上班才觉得恢复正常了, 一点内疚也没有.

[tiffany]

3。喝醉了酒，坐在地上，捧着马桶呕吐。我的潜意识里，马桶周围一圈地上都是无数肉眼不可见的细菌。
4。同理，在公共场所的洗手间，把书包往脚前地上一扔，回头再背着书包到处跑。照我娘的逻辑（我小时候老爱跟我的猫亲嘴，我娘不许，她的逻辑关系是，猫闻它的shXt，我亲猫，结果就是我闻猫的shXt。），那就是在洗手间地上打滚了。

一看蚕同学就很纯良，没有喝高到呕吐的地步------那时候哪儿还顾得上细菌啊！
猫猫好像不闻自己的把把，埋的很深，清猫沙得使劲儿挖掘一下儿还----老子2周养猫经验谈。

[Knowing]

在家的时间真艰难啊, 每天就数着点熬时间, 太阳落山就松口气, 一天总算又熬过去了. 也不想想一天的生命就消耗掉了. 一心一意都在孩子身上, 从来没有爱一个人爱得这么多, 幸福感伤内疚所有的情绪都到了极致, 大喜大悲中老的特别快, 孩子也变成一个JJWW的娇包包. 回想起来不是不病态的, 可以推到荷尔蒙上, 或者直接推到基因上.
.

写的真动人啊，小豪你这个文学女青年

[森林的火焰]

蚕同学，不光马桶圈上，哪里不是一堆肉眼不可见的细菌？如果长成肉眼可见的，恐怕见到就要呕吐了。
除了你说的什么东西都往地下一扔，不脱鞋就上床；我发现我的朋友们还穿着袜子在屋里和楼里走来走去，然后再往床上一歪。
猫猫好象是不闻它的便便的，但它洗ＰＰ是用舔的。。。
我们楼上一个博后，家里有自己一个女儿（跟前夫生的小黄孩子），老公一个女儿（跟前妻生的小白孩子），俩人一个儿子（小混血儿）。俩女儿都喜欢跟家里的猫亲嘴。一天她看见猫在门口，嘴里露出一条尾巴。她大叫起来，对女孩子们说，下次不可以再亲妙妙！

[密斯张三]

大家不要歧视马桶圈。日本某抽样调查显示，马桶圈上的细菌比办公室键盘上的还少哪。

[爱思]

再据某抽样调查显示， 细菌最多的几个地方：
公交车上的把手、座位，健身房里的器材，键盘、鼠标。
所以我用一进健身房就拿来那个消毒药水喷啊喷。